Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Your Redemption Doesn’t Come Easy
Moments roll by when I wish I could have someone else’s life. I don’t mean that I am envious of wealth, looks, or general good fortune. I mean that I wish I could be entirely enveloped by another. The idea of being a part of a larger whole. No, more than that, being part of a whole suggests that there are elements of heterogeneity remaining. I want to be subsumed entirely and not just so that I become indivisible where my parts are evenly distributed amongst the whole, but entirely non-existent.
I just think that sometimes, life would be just, easier. No decisions, no effort, things would just be. The other side, wherein I am, I am not. However, the logical, well-educated, well-read me knows that the I not is impossible.
There are those who actively strive for the I not. I’ve read the blogs of mostly women and a few men who are living a life of I not. Or rather, attempt to live a life of I not. I read with gluttonous rapture, like wild dogs cleaving meat from a dead carcass, trying to understand both psychologically and spiritually how some can be not just subordinates but properly subjugated.
These blogs retell with bravado and glory the extent to which they are not. They revel in the degree of nothingness they are able to attain. Accordingly, I know that Truth (with a capital T) seems to have very little interference with these blogs. The reality of surrendering control to another looks great on paper but lots of things look great on paper (Tara Reid, I’m looking at you). Also, so many of these bloggers seem so entirely damaged in a way that therapy and sedatives will never cure what ails them that I doubt they could be what they say they are and not then require a trip to Bellvue for a frontal lobe retune.
Whether the accounts are true or not, just as the moment came upon me in which I wish for the complete relinquishing of control, the next hairline fracture of a second rolls on and I realize that I am too much my own person to ever fall so entirely into a someone else.