Some Blog

Nuts For Nightingale

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I crawled into bed tonight feeling a great deal better than I have in a while. Life still sucks, but I am doing better with the ever increasing demands on my day. And then I got another email from my sister. The fourth one today.

We are hashing out my gram’s estate and all I want to do know is stab myself in the eye with a hot poker. Repeatedly.

She started to conversation with: I think we should do x for D.

I say: okay, sure, are we going to do x this way or that way? We could do it this way, or how about this way.

She says: well doing x this way means this, and I don’t know if everyone will be on board, I don’t know any other way to do x, but I think we should really do it.

I say: okay, so do x that way.

She say: well we have to get agreement from the other two grandchildren.

I say: well, whatever you do, I am fine with the idea

She say: yes, but still we have to do it as a collaborative

I say: I DON’T FUCKING CARE HOW YOU DO IT OR WHAT YOU DO JUST TELL ME HOW MUCH IT WILL COST.

Don’t know if this will go on, but I anticipate yes. Sadly, desperately yes. Mostly because I went to email her back with the above response (in much nicer words of course) and I hit the back button so it looked like it deleted instead of sent. I then wrote out the email again and made sure to send it this time. Turns out I sent it the first time. She is going to be soooooooo pleased to get that email (in much nicer words of course) twice.

FML.

God Bless Texas

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Man, watch out when you go speeding in Texas and are crazy and old. They’ll tase’ you bro’.

Bwahahahahaha

Dirtier than Monica’s blue dress

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

I was just reading a story about the conviction of a NYC bouncer in the 2006 murder of a woman who was from Boston. One of my former roommate actually went to high school with the victim so I was interested in the outcome of the trial.

In the New York Times article there is a very disturbing sentence:

“One of his mother’s hairs was found on the blanket Ms. St. Guillen’s body was wrapped in, as was semen from his brother Reggie Harris, who had died in 1994.”

Let’s review shall we…semen from his brother Reggie Harris, who had died in 1994. I shouldn’t have to say this, but please, someone, anyone, ensure that upon my untimely demise, wash my blankets. Like, within the first year. Whether you keep my stuff or donate it all to charity, please, wash it all.

wiggity wack

I am home from another funeral. The wife of Bruce’s business partner. It’s 6:45 and I am going to bed. Maybe I won’t be totally exhausted tomorrow.

This was over before, before it ever began

Thursday, May 28, 2009

My grandmother’s house went on the market Sunday. Tuesday someone made an offer.

Nothing will ever be the same again. Nothing will be right again. Everything will always just be wrong.

I tell people at work that I’m fine, because I need to be fine there. I need to be business as usual and capable and cocksure. I know my path needs me to be just fine. So I am. But I’m not just fine. I miss my grams.

Drive by

Sunday, May 24, 2009

I know that unless I force myself to write something, anything, I’ll never get back to my prolific posting type self.

Months ago I noticed ringing in my right ear. I was tested and tested and tested, but there’s nothing wrong with me. Well except for the persistent ringing in my right ear. I did some google diagnosing, which I am sure the physicians in my group would love to hear, and I came up with three causes: 1) brain tumor, 2) degenerative hearing loss, 3) crazy. I’m pretty sure it’s not a tumor (ha) so crazy or deaf, pick your preference. In any event the treatment is with antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications, I don’t know why, but they seem to have the side effect of stopping the ringing. I went the antidepressant route and things seem to be less ringy. So that’s good. But I think the other side effect of the medication is that I get less worked up about things that use to set me off. Also, I’m very, very sleepy. All the time. Like during my work day, after my work day, after I wake up from my afternoon nap, and before I go to sleep for the night.

And now, I am going to go take a nap.

Hand Grenade Pins In Every Line

Friday, May 22, 2009

Every sad story I hear or read makes me cry. I’m not a crier. I don’t do crying. And yet here I am crying at home makeovers. Blog posts. News stories about budget cuts.

Plus I’ve come to the end of my hydrocodone supply and unless I drive my car into a tree I don’t anticipate getting another refill, the last two prescriptions were a gift from the doctor who chose to let me slide.

I’m so tired and worn out. I just want to throw it all away.

I don’t think that means what you think it means

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I’ve been watching lots of TV. Reality TV is filling my nights. I fell in love with Taking the Stage, the MTV show that follows students at the Cincinnati School of the Creative and Performing Arts. There was a thing with girl A and girl B and the boyfriend of girl A kissing girl B. Blah blah blah, come to a talent night where girl B sings a song about being with a boy and breathing in the essence of the boy when they are lying next to each other, it was kind of beautiful and deep, it was not, however, ineffable. Girl A, upon hearing girl B’s song, turns to her boyfriend and says: “That is so ineffable.”

My first reaction was to say to the TV, “I don’t think that means what you think it means.” Then I googled, just to ensure that it means what I think it means. Luckily, I am still smart. Score one for the thirty year-old watching reality TV marketed to high schoolers. Unless she meant to say that girl B was so deep and profound about a sacred act that there were no words that could aptly describe the event. In which case, that word totally means exactly what she thought it meant.

I’ve also been eating cookies. Lots of cookies. Cookies are not on the low carb diet. Oddly enough my body has responded by not gaining weight. Must be the odd combination of Vicodin, Lunesta, Elavil, and Codeine.

So, I guess this is the post to say I’m hiding in the dark drinking pink lemonade. Maybe next month I’ll have something to say.

Been away, going to be away

Thursday, April 09, 2009

In the last 20 days my sister gave birth which was traumatic for both mother and child. The day the baby was released from ICU my grandmother was admitted to a different ICU.

My grams died this afternoon, so I don’t expect to be back for a while.

Bigger Crap

Monday, March 09, 2009

Um, I just got home, and there was some sort of carnage from Thursday night that I didn’t know till now. Also, there were some windows open on my computer. I was in the middle of some strange searches. There is a package waiting for me in the office at my complex, but I don’t think I have anything ordered and on the way. Scary. I was checking my email to see if I ordered something and got a confirmation. No confirmation, just some emails in my sent folder that are horrible. Horrible in the sense of what I say and to whom they were sent.

I’ve sent off an apology email, but really? There may be fewer people in my life if I keep behaving like this. Nothing like drug-fueled truth telling to endear me to my ex’es.

People, if I’ve called or written and I am entirely incoherent or the spelling is a mess and I talk about being on drugs, please just ignore what I said/wrote and let’s never mention this again.

And I was so looking forward to another night of restful sleep with my good friend ambien…

Crap

Friday, March 06, 2009

15 years of drugs and alcohol use and my first black-out is on Ambien.

I may have been doing laundry in my underwear. The machines are not in my apartment. You make your own conclusions from that statement

And to think, I never even thought Ambien was impressive enough to crush and snort.

Have mercy.

t-10minutes

Thursday, March 05, 2009

I have anger issues. I am seeing a therapist talktoatoo but I don’t know if she’s really figured me out. IT would help if told her the truth rather than spread yarns arfbloiut yd afamilly asndf fereions.

Also, I am a heavy user of ambien. the key board is like a grey matt og buttons clodse enpoiojgj gh to where I wamnt my girfsgers to be to make words. This ios much eashiuer to type than reasd. But my eyes are closed, so there’s that. o

I’ve been going to the guym like it counts, nbut I am sure it does not.  I could run 20 miles a day and I would still be shrot and fat. how derpression.! Hey I could share that though with my theraopist. She would really apprcieate it if I told something real in our sessions.

It clearl that I am only there for the mecudatoin sd.s Once I take the drugs I have 35 minutes of uprigrthedness. I can see the imminet countdow n..

Sorry I was away and for such crrappy reasons. Will work on the writing, though that needs me to go ot and inteacrt with the poeple.. fwo fwfkw
owpk2

Soon Enough

Friday, January 02, 2009

Things can only be for so long before they are not. I would much prefer the not.

desperately seeking sanity

Saturday, November 29, 2008

My sister is pregnant. This is good. The family is getting their grand/great-grand child. My sister is getting her child. I am getting some peace.

Except I am throwing her a baby shower. Cross-country. And my family, they’re kind of being special about things. Specifically my stepmother and father. I don’t know about you, but when I get a request for mailing addresses for four specific people I don’t return a list of 14. I’ve already order the engraved invitations so ordering more is not happening. I’ve already sent out invites to all the other families and groups of friends and the RSVP date is in four weeks, so even if I lost my dang mind and ordered another printing of 20 invites, which would cost half as much as ordering 80 so kind of a lot of money there,  I wouldn’t have time to get them back to me and then addressed and mailed out. I did the next best thing.

I spent the day at stationery store buying card sets that match the paper of the invites. Bruce then scanned one of the original invites and I tweaked a little until the coloring was right. I then messed around in word and created reasonable facsimiles of the RSVP card and direction inserts. I then printed onto the card stock. You see, even though I had set aside four for the original list I didn’t think I could send engraved invitations to my four aunts and then something clearly different to their daughters. So I had to make invites for the whole list. My head is killing me and all I want to do is go to sleep, but the pile of laundry calls as does Bruce’s very untidy apartment.

This whole matter is only complicated by the fact that my step-mother has not sent me a list for her side. I’ve already sent her invite and invites to some of her niece’s. I specifically mentioned that I needed five addresses from her side of the family. So it’s kind of strange that the list I got only included my father’s side. I’ve managed to whitepage.com two of the people I needed and I sent one of the niece’s to her mom with an apology note (I hated getting invites at my mom’s house long after I moved out). That leave two more people from my step-mother’s family. Everyone else is going to get invites and being talking about the baby shower at Christmas, which is historically held at my father’s place so that is going to be really awkward for the two females from that side that didn’t get an invite. I’ve already resorted to calling 411 to get their phone number to call them directly to get their address, no luck.

I am dealing with all this in a strategic manner. I left a message on my father’s voicemail saying: “I found a few addresses, but I still needed two more. I’ve already mailed out the other ones and I know my sister really wanted to see her aunt and cousin and I wouldn’t want them to feel like they were not invited.” I hope this motivates my family to do the right things. Unfortunately do to all the personality disorders that are running rampant right now, I don’t know if that is even a possibility. 

I’m not sure what the interaction is going to be, but if there is a reason for what’s going on, I am going to make my father and step-mother tell my sister directly. I am not taking the heat for this.

Just a city boy, born and raised in south detroit

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The recent appearance of some past friends has had an unusual effect on my life. My balance had been unbalanced. Balance.

There is always the welcomed flashback, especially in the case of the good ex. I know, such an oxymoron, but he was good. He’s still very good. And that is good. I really need to stop saying good. Then there’s the bad. The very bad. So, I am more than happy to hear about the good and his happy life. Knowing that his life is doing what life does and includes someone that keeps him warm at night…is. It just is. It’s the bad that drives me nuts.

Basically every time I hear from him all I can think is “Hey fucker. Shut the fuck up. You stupid annoying fuck. Fuckity fuck.” Of course others might think that I care and that’s why I am annoyed by his very presence. Thankfully I’ve had an epiphany, it’s not that I care, it’s that I really don’t believe the drivel that comes running out of his mouth. At least three times in the last five years he’s told me all about the woman he’s going to marry…this time. There is a point where the comment is actually superfluous and that is not something one should think about a declaration of love.

I understand that he has always wanted to meet the girl of his dream, get that house with the white picket fence, a few kids, a dog and a sunset. But for all that is holy man, stop being so transparent. There’s a reason why so many perfect matches turn out to not be what he thinks. I just wish he would stop trying to convince me of whatever it is that he’s trying to convince himself.

I have a friend going through some bad times with a very toxic friend. We’ve all had them. It’s so hard to cut them off and make a break from them. There is something in the way the toxic friend builds a relationship that makes the innocent party feel guilty, like it’s our fault for not being more understanding or something. I gave her some great advice and told her that I would support her in making a clean break. The thing is, I should have been taking my own advice. My bad ex is totally toxic. He is all those things that would make me drop a friend.

He is selfish and stupid. He has only ever thought about himself and was never really interested in what I needed. He is still trying to run his game and I keep letting him be in my life. But why? What’s in it for me? Where is the take in this give and take situation? The toxicity is overwhelming at this point and there is only one way to flush this out of my life.

It’s time for me to tell him who he really is. He is, quite frankly, not a good guy. He is not my friend. He has no place in my life. Good bye bad ex. Ye hardly knew me.