Laughing All The Way

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Difference

He looked at me; I was casually seated on his couch. The couch would become my bed in a few hours, but for the time being, this was where we sat while he changed my world.

Me, being the blunt one that I am, flipped through the pages of a magazine meant to tell me what to do on a Wednesday night in London (if I were a gay man) and noticed: “Why the hell are there so many adverts for AIDS awareness?”

Looking back now, I can still see his eyes slide to my face and without taking a breath, he laughs: “It is world AIDS day, darling.”

Aghast I look up and oops my way back. The queen of backpedaling I mumble something about being a shallow American.

I never really had the chance to finish that half-assed apology because as I came up with the words to turn my brash insensitivity into a humorous moment, he continued: “You know I am positive, right?”

People talk about seconds seeming like a lifetime, split seconds that go on forever, and time standing still. For me, time slowed to an excruciatingly slow palpable dimension. In between the time I turned to him to ask about what he was positive and the words formulating in my mouth, I felt my heart skip. I realized he was POSITIVE.

I looked at him and looked back at the magazine. Finished flipping though as if nothing had changed. I asked him a few questions (how, when, who) but acted as if nothing had changed. Eventually we went to sleep, and the next morning as we went our separate ways in Covent Gardens I hugged and kissed him as if nothing had changed.

Everything had changed. I know that all things being equal (and nothing is equal now) he will die before me. No matter how healthy he is, no matter how low the viral count is, and with the knowledge that he only (ONLY!) has HIV and not AIDS, I know that he will die before me.

His proclamation of positivity changed my worldview. I no longer can live with an idea with an “us” and “them”. Now, because of him, my world is just us.

I see him as often as I can; he is still by far one of my closest friends. When I am in London, I stay with him, when he comes to Boston, we spend as much time together as his job allows. I know that whatever happens he and I will always be the fun loving duo looking to break some hearts, but that day, he broke my heart. He also made a difference, he still does.