Some Blog

What’s brunch…the meal between breakfast and lunch

01/29/2006

Last night, after vowing to stay in to recover from the excesses of Friday night/Saturday morning, I got a call.

“Get dressed. We’re having an impromptu bachelorette party. We’re going to Centerfolds”

Boston has two strip clubs, Centerfolds being the nicer of the two, was our destination. We saw tits a plenty: small, large, real, fake.

Leaving the club in a terribly intoxicated state, AGAIN, we made it to a Chinese restaurant that serves alcohol after hours. Just what I needed shots of cheap beer to really work in the hangover.

Turns out I didn’t have to worry. Upon leaving the restaurant I made a bold choice. I called Koala, who I dated briefly. A $30 cab ride and 20 minutes later, I was in the arms of a very yummy smelling man. He and I did what we do so well. We both acknowledge that neither of us want to be serious with the other, but sometimes, having unconditional human contact is necessary.

I especially felt that because lately I feel as if I am living on the periphery. Events swirl around me and I think that I am just looking on with a smile on my face to hide the fact that I no longer engage with those closest to me. Case in point, my sister and her husband. I wish that I could properly explain the relationship that I have with my sister. I’ve tried and I’ve failed to do justice to the delicately created balance. We’ve had these phases in our lives where we were the best of friends, yet at other times it seems as if we don’t have a thing in common. I know that she wants the best for me, but I think she wants what she feels is best for me rather than what is really best for me.

The longer that I stay in Boston the more frustrate we become with each other. Her life is her golden ticket and I am so glad that she found a partner and lifestyle that suits her needs. I just wish she could understand that her golden ticket isn’t mine. We’re in a bit of a downswing, she and I, where spending limited amounts of time with each other is still too much. A while back I asked her to stop reading my blog. I needed her to not know some of the things that I had going on in my life, I needed the right to choose what to share and what to keep to myself. She agreed, but I guess she went on one day and read a post I wrote. She felt like I exploited her. She felt that through all these years she’s always been supportive and defended me to the end. She believes that I didn’t appreciate what she did for me. What I wish I could make her understand is that what she sees as helping me is something of a hindrance. I’ve tried to tell her in different ways, but I don’t think she will ever see things the way I do, and she will continue to act in what she believes is in my best interest.

All of this came out at the strip club. I had gone outside to smoke with my brother-in-law and I think I mentioned something about being sorry that I hadn’t really been sharing what was going on in my life and that I knew they weren’t aware of some things because they had stopped reading. That is when he informed me that she had read and that she was really hurt by something that I wrote. I knew before he actually told me that she had read the post (three parts sister’s intuition and one part stat counter) so I wasn’t surprised by that information, but I was completely shocked at how she took something I wrote about me and used it as a sign that I disrespected her. I had made the request that they stop reading because I was trying to get back to an honest and true state of existence. I wanted to be able to include all of me on my blog without having to field questions over the dinner table.

I suppose that when I finish uploading my archives I will be able to go back and look at what she took so personally, but the final outcome of this is that my sister has sworn that she will never read my blog again and that she will no longer be supportive of me if I so easily exploited her. I wonder if that is true. I guess that is a decision she can make, I just wish she had heeded my request in the first place and let me have this one thing be mine. That was all I ever wanted, something that didn’t have her fingerprints or her tacit approval.

I wanted to be able to not have to worry about living up to the bar she set in both her personal and professional life. I felt like every time I got my foot on the rung and was getting closer to where I should be, the ladder would just extend and the goals were getting farther and father away. Her expectations for me were always made with the best intentions, they just weren’t made with me in mind.

So kind of a long weekend for me. Interesting to say the least. I don’t know what I am going to say to my sister when I see her next as I didn’t say anything last night. It was neither the time nor place to broach the subject, but I know that eventually I will have to sit down with her and have it out. I don’t even know if her husband told her that he told me. I just wish that she would have come to me when she was first upset by everything, and I think that is the biggest indicator of where our relationship is heading.