The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly
I believe it is now the time for my missive on Internet dating. Maybe missive is the wrong term; I shall actually call it Ten Reasons to Get Drunk on a First Date.
As we sit down, pull a little vial out of your pocket. After our order has been taken, open said vial, pour out something that smells like Calstat and rub your hands. Did you just disinfect your hands at the table? Are you allowed to do that on a first date?
Ask me if my breasts are real.
Tell me that you are into the Poly scene because: “well, people have the capacity to love more than one person at the same time, so why not get sexual pleasure from more than one person at the same time?”
Mention that your second ex-wife was a stripper from Tennessee with a gambling problem.
Cry.
Flirt with the waitress.
Explain that you’re really here because your wife doesn’t understand your needs and then go on to explain that your needs include being able to rub a woman’s feet and then ejaculate on them.
Inform me that I sounded hotter on the phone.
Share with me that all three parental units in your life were verbal abusive towards you and your long term girl friends were all “tight with sex” so now you want to explore the alternative side of life with women who are considerably younger than you…oh and you want to have lots of sex.
Advise me that I will need to bring a Thesaurus on our dates because you are very intelligent and will use large words that I will not understand. Oh and then call me a spoiled, Jewish bitch who gets everything she wants and thinks that she’s the hottest thing in the room and every guy want to fuck her.*
*I couldn’t make this up if I tried…I was way more pissed about the Thesaurus comment than the Jewish bitch comment.