Laughing All The Way

Paradise by the dashboard light.

Long ago and far away, I received this email. In that place and time, I was a different person. I was happy and content. I was looking into a future and I was joyous. I was foolish.

Tonight as I was cleaning out my inbox, I opened it and started to read. I got about half way through and started to feel anxious and yet something tempered my anxiety. I think that the best word to describe the balance was vindication. This is from no one you know, so please people, stop trying to ascribe my blogging to you or someone you know. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, if this were about you (or by you) you would already know.

I think that what made me stop and take notice was the title of my previous post and the end of the email. I wonder if one of my habits is to make wishes. I wonder if I am stuck in some unrealistic fantasy where wishes come true. I wonder if I am losing myself into a rabbit hole.

I once felt crazy. A “He” made me crazy. Or, I let him make me feel crazy, and inadequate. I thought I imagined and created what was not. He left me and I plunged into a steaming pool of doubt and sloe gin. I blindly clung to anyone and anything that brushed against me in the hopes that somehow I would find salvation or eternal damnation. I didn’t care whether I survived or perished, as long as I had no role in the decision. I backed away from life and fell into a train of men. I welcomed the inner slut and made her the outer being.

Eventually, a different “He” put me back together and like humpty dumpty I sat on a wall. Still fragile, still sore, the scars running jagged over my soul and when a new “He” came a knocking I was comfortable with my Keloided scars. I wore them as proud badges. I flashed them, along with my tits.

When it ended, I had new and different scars, not better or worse, just different. But this time, I know I am not crazy. I kept the email. I have his words. I did not invent or create something to suit my needs. He came to me.

You make my head swim. You make my heart ache. You make me ball my fists tight and you make me loose them in order to reach out to where you aren’t.

I know I am failing you. I’m sorry.

I’m not sorry. Not now, not any more.

It was long ago, it was far away, it was so much better than it is today.

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