Is honesty always the best policy?
Last night J started asking questions. Not exactly direct, “How many men have you slept with?” type questions, but pretty close.
Up to now I have done an admirable job at telling the truth. Not just the parts that I want to tell, all of the pieces of the story. Sometimes I look good and other times I look bad, that is just the way it goes. I do not regret things that I have done, but I am smart enough to recognize that I may not have always chosen the smartest and safest route to get to where I am today.
In response to J, who from herein will be referred to as The Tough Guy or TG*, I answered, that he was good in bed and satisfied me. Men should never ask how they were in comparison to past men. Really do you want a breakdown of the time with an ex- where we were on the beach having sex in the middle of a meteor shower? Or the time where we failed to see daylight for three days straight? Or the one who made my toes curl just by whispering in my ear? No, you do not want me to tell you everything; you just want me to reassure you that you are good at what you do.
In TG’s case there is a little more to it. I think someone cheated on him real bad. He has repeatedly requested that I be totally honest and straightforward, if I ever decide that I want to be with someone else, tell him, there is no way he could be serious about a girl (ME) if she is dating other guys at the same time as dating him, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. TG also keeps talking about how he never thought he would like me as much as he does.
According to him, the Internet dating thing was a lark, he did it to see what or who was out there, he never expected to have actual (meaning he was going to have fake?) feelings for a girl and he certainly did not think it would all happen so quickly. I will only focus on the very end of the sentence, but there is so much that should be dissected.
My typical boyfriend was a one-night stand that never went home. After recovering from our hangovers, we would hangout for the rest of the weekend. We would realize that we do not totally hate each other and eventually we would agree to be exclusive. I mean it is hard to not be exclusive when you are together all the time. While we may not move in together, I have never officially cohabitated, we do spend a bunch of time together and then one day, a friend of ours will introduce us as: “This is some girl and her boyfriend.” Then it will be official. The time between meeting and official recognition is spent getting to know each other; learning about hope and dreams and aspirations. This all takes place between six months and a year.
This differs significantly with on-line dating because you never had the drunken disorderly introduction wherein you state: “I’m having a hard time focusing my eyes but I think you are really cute.” Or “I wish I could just take off my underwear.” Or “I have a really comfortable bed.” Shut up, I have never used any of these lines. Okay, maybe once.
Furthermore, on-line dating makes people bold. This is the greatest opportunity to be honest and real. You have no worries or fear behind the double-blind email. The basis of secrecy means that you can open yourself up to a stranger and not see them cringe or flinch when you tell them something. Sure you can disclose too much information, but if you do, you never have to meet the person and you have not been rejected, mocked or teased.
Combine this all with the fact that I give good email, I know that I am a good writer and getting good email can work wonders on a budding relationship. I tend to only date men with whom I have a sincerely healthy mental connection. I also judge the men based on the way they write. Shallow I know, but there has to be some way to decide.
The point being, you feel this hyper connection with someone you have been emailing for about two weeks, and after three dates you already know a lot more about them than all your ex-boyfriends (I still have no idea what their middle names are, but I know TG’s middle name and his father’s middle name). Internet dating moves quickly, you are in and out of like/lust for someone with the speed of a high school Sophomore transfer student who just discovered the cutest man alive, the captain of the football team but has yet to see the captain of the wrestling team.
When TG emailed me, I noted that his profile was well constructed, honest and straightforward. I think that from the very beginning we have always been sincere in our conversation and honest in our approach. I thought that honest was the way to go with this, but now I wonder if it was.
TG has repeatedly made comments about the fact that I was casually dating others when we met. I asked if he would like me to stop, his response was that he could not tell me what to do, I should do what makes me happy, and if I want to date others I should go out and do just that. He also says that what I did in the past, before we met, has nothing to do with him and he will not judge me based on that. For instance, although he thinks that some of my actions in the past are sluttish, he does not think that I am a slut. For someone who is not judging that seems an awful lot a judgment.
That is not even the biggest problem. The one thing that stands in our way is that I have applied to join the Peace Corps. I know, thank you, it is huge. Most people have congratulated me and said some sort of genial statement about how I will have a great experience. I told TG because I knew that we had a great first date and that there would be a second. I told him because I wanted to be honest and real. I told him because I knew it was fair and equitable. I told him because I wanted to share the information with someone who could really be affected by the knowledge.
I am not leaving for at least a year. I have some commitments here in America to which I must attend first but I am hoping to be somewhere else by the Christmas of 2006. TG acted very nonchalant with the information and said some sort of platitude about how we just met and we should get to know each other. Over the past few days he has pulled out the “you’re leaving in a year” card. Not in a mean way, but as an excuse for not wanting to fall for me. I keep telling TG that a year is a long way off in the future, we could hate each other by then, but the reality of 27 months in the Peace Corps is that if we really were in a happy, committed relationship, we should be able to hold it together while I was away.
So now I look back and see what I have written, and from this instance (my sluttish past! and my leaving the country) if I could have kept a secret, I think everyone would be much happier. So if TG and I do not work, from now on I lie.
*Name to be explained at a later time and date, but trust me, Tough Guy totally fits.