This was over before, before it ever began
Thursday, May 28, 2009
My grandmother’s house went on the market Sunday. Tuesday someone made an offer.
Nothing will ever be the same again. Nothing will be right again. Everything will always just be wrong.
I tell people at work that I’m fine, because I need to be fine there. I need to be business as usual and capable and cocksure. I know my path needs me to be just fine. So I am. But I’m not just fine. I miss my grams.
Drive by
Sunday, May 24, 2009
I know that unless I force myself to write something, anything, I’ll never get back to my prolific posting type self.
Months ago I noticed ringing in my right ear. I was tested and tested and tested, but there’s nothing wrong with me. Well except for the persistent ringing in my right ear. I did some google diagnosing, which I am sure the physicians in my group would love to hear, and I came up with three causes: 1) brain tumor, 2) degenerative hearing loss, 3) crazy. I’m pretty sure it’s not a tumor (ha) so crazy or deaf, pick your preference. In any event the treatment is with antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications, I don’t know why, but they seem to have the side effect of stopping the ringing. I went the antidepressant route and things seem to be less ringy. So that’s good. But I think the other side effect of the medication is that I get less worked up about things that use to set me off. Also, I’m very, very sleepy. All the time. Like during my work day, after my work day, after I wake up from my afternoon nap, and before I go to sleep for the night.
And now, I am going to go take a nap.
Hand Grenade Pins In Every Line
Friday, May 22, 2009
Every sad story I hear or read makes me cry. I’m not a crier. I don’t do crying. And yet here I am crying at home makeovers. Blog posts. News stories about budget cuts.
Plus I’ve come to the end of my hydrocodone supply and unless I drive my car into a tree I don’t anticipate getting another refill, the last two prescriptions were a gift from the doctor who chose to let me slide.
I’m so tired and worn out. I just want to throw it all away.
I don’t think that means what you think it means
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I’ve been watching lots of TV. Reality TV is filling my nights. I fell in love with Taking the Stage, the MTV show that follows students at the Cincinnati School of the Creative and Performing Arts. There was a thing with girl A and girl B and the boyfriend of girl A kissing girl B. Blah blah blah, come to a talent night where girl B sings a song about being with a boy and breathing in the essence of the boy when they are lying next to each other, it was kind of beautiful and deep, it was not, however, ineffable. Girl A, upon hearing girl B’s song, turns to her boyfriend and says: “That is so ineffable.”
My first reaction was to say to the TV, “I don’t think that means what you think it means.” Then I googled, just to ensure that it means what I think it means. Luckily, I am still smart. Score one for the thirty year-old watching reality TV marketed to high schoolers. Unless she meant to say that girl B was so deep and profound about a sacred act that there were no words that could aptly describe the event. In which case, that word totally means exactly what she thought it meant.
I’ve also been eating cookies. Lots of cookies. Cookies are not on the low carb diet. Oddly enough my body has responded by not gaining weight. Must be the odd combination of Vicodin, Lunesta, Elavil, and Codeine.
So, I guess this is the post to say I’m hiding in the dark drinking pink lemonade. Maybe next month I’ll have something to say.