Laughing All The Way

Friday, November 16, 2007

Mrs. Goodbar

As my time in the suburbs increase the things I miss most of what I was living before is public transportation. Shut up!  I know.

I don’t miss the smell of vomit at 8 AM on a Friday morning or begging a nightbus driver to pull over and let me off because I fell asleep and missed my stop. What I miss is what is implied by the public transportation. I miss walking to starbucks. I miss my $15 a day starbucks habit. I miss drunk shopping for Christmas gifts. I miss convenience stores being conveniently located. I miss being at a bar until closing and still being in bed before midnight on Thursday night (hence the smell of vomit at 8 AM on a Friday morning).

With all that I miss, and there are tons more, but I think you get the point, what I miss the most are the people. I wake up missing specific people around the globe. I know that Pussy Willow will never move to San Francisco, that PB is building her life in Boston, that the girls in Texas are in Texas for a reason, that Carrie UnPatched likes life in the country side, that Bonnie has her life in New York, and that Willis has hers by the beach back home where we use to live. I get that all those people in my life are where they always have been and I am the one who keeps leaving the place where everyone else is. It’s just that all these people have, at one time or another, been my person. And for the first time in a long time I don’t have my person.

I just want my new person here to reveal themselves because I miss making fun of the homeless (what, you know you do it too, besides they are just homeless because they are lazy) and eating sushi after Martinis on Friday night. I miss having someone who will call me to tell me that they got home just fine and that guy from the bar passed out in the cab so she just left him there to find his own way home. I miss having a shopping buddy who will listen to me bitch about how annoying Bruce is.

Most of all, I miss someone who tells me that I am okay.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

A Nickel For A Kiss

Bruce and I went to Vegas last weekend. We gambled and won…a whole $69.75. We also saw some airplanes and Mama Mia. We also ate some food.

Okay, now that all the boring stuff is out of the way, I can now share the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life EVER.

As I tripped my drunk ass self from Mandalay Bay to the Excalibur, I realized the my drunk ass self needed more gin. (Oh lordy how many nights have started with the phrase “needed more gin”, which leads me to the next post I am planning in my brain.) I sniffed out the closest gin serving counter, which in Vegas is much harder than one would think what with all the nasty ass smelling gamblers. Note to gamblers: take your stanky ass selves back to your room and take a shower once every three days. Also, stop smoking like 50 year-old truckers.

Wait, where was I. Oh yeah, sucking back another G&T. The bar I found was a lounge, in the truest sense of the word, and included an actual Vegas Lounge Act. I only caught the very end of the set but I made myself comfortable and waited for the next round of something excellent. I was rewarded in the following ways, including but not limited to:

A white guy at the bar with a really pretty girl
The white guy at the bar doing a combination of the white guy shuffle and a crotch pump at the pretty girl he was with (yes, AT, not WITH)
The white guy at the bar dragging the pretty girl onto the dance floor and being awesomely drunk and dancing
The song Sweet Home Alabama
A man in a wife beater doing the Achy Breaky Heart to Sweet Home Alabama
A man, that was dressed like a woman singing the song U + UR Hand
Drunk guy dancing clubesquey to the man dressed as a woman singing U + UR Hand
A man in a wife beater who previously danced the Achy Breaky Heart to Sweet Home Alabama smacking himself on both ass cheeks as he left the lounge

I wish I could tell you more, but I can’t remember what else happened. What I can remember was waking up in a hotel room that smelled like an ashtray, damn Vegas smokers, and feeling like I was going to hurl. I like to believe that sensation was simply a reaction to the smell of smoke.

Some more happened, but nothing else was nearly as entertaining as that. And that is the story of what I did last weekend. The End.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Materially Speaking

Sometimes the universe sends me signs and sometimes I have to figure things out all on my own. The stuff I figure out on my own is probably an indication that I am maturing as a person. Also it means I am a lot less fun.

The last five years were an exercise in getting exactly what I want and paying whatever it took to get it. Judging from the credit card debt I carried I was paying but add in the emotional toll, I was paying a whole lot more than I thought. Having been gainfully employed for the past two months I can happily say that I have closed most of my cards, paid off the rest and carry very little other than my college loans (which I will be paying until my imaginary children are in college). I think that I am pretty content with life as it is and my needs, immediate and otherwise, are being well met. My desire to shop has decreased to the point that I would much rather not try on clothes and buy something new for the sake of having something new to wear.

All that said, there is a bag that I want to hump. In fact, I may have humped it in my dreams last night. And the night before. And the night before that. This bag is worth more than I spent in rent for the year of 2005. It is what most people spend on their first car. Heck it’s worth more than my first and second cars combined. And yet I covet this bag in a way that I can’t remember coveting anything in my entire life. I don’t know the likelihood of my getting this bag for any one of the various holidays that come up during the next three months. Indications from Bruce are such that I am not expecting this bag to appear magically over the course of Hanukkah, Christmas, or my birthday. The only hope that remains is that my real family will seek me out after all these years of being separated as there was a mix up at the hospital all those years ago and my real family is so pleased to finally find me that they shower me with money and gifts including one very special bag.

What? A girl can dream.

Edited to Add:

People are after me for a look at the bag, here is the ad where I first saw it.

Monday, November 05, 2007

I’ll put a spell on you

With the work thing working out as it has, I have to stop being polite and start getting real. Bruce and I have become a step above direct relatives to the three-toed sloth. I’m sure that a DNA test would reveal a scary amount of shared alleles. We are, in word, lazy.

Eating out every night cuts down on the dish washing, and shouldn’t we all be concerned about the amount of water we use? Things just can’t go on this way.

Bruce and I made a stand. Well, mostly I. Last night I made a bunch of salads that we can eat for dinner, the pesto pasta with sun dried tomatoes and pines nuts is a particular favorite. We shall eat salads at home this week and see how this goes. The next step will be the actualizing of exercise. Or maybe just putting on a tee-shirt.

Let’s not take it too fast, right?

Friday, November 02, 2007

Gurgle

Today as I wandered into work I was squashed. By a 300 pound man. A mountain of a man fell on me and the funny thing is that while I was on the ground pushing the offending person off of me I didn’t even realize that a) I was on the ground and b) that I was going to hurt.

Right now my left arm is throbbing in a way that makes me think a bruise will be on its way and that I should add some Tylenol PM to my ambien tonight. And maybe some red wine.

Remember how I was sad because I didn’t have anything to write about any more? I think the universe has remembered me and sent some blog fodder my way.

Excuse me while I go stick this knife into a socket to see what happens.