Laughing All The Way

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Bane

My reticence in blogging about work ends now. And not because Amy threatened me with bodily harm and dirty limericks. For the most part work is work. Things happen, I laugh, I go about my business.

But, as I go about my business I have to speak with my coworker, heretofore: Bane. Oh yeah.

“Some Girl, normally when we do this graph we make the y-axis set from 0 to 100%”
“Oh, okay Bane, sure. 100%”

Later that month…

“So Bane I noticed that all the graphs from the last quarter that you said to use as a basis for this quarter all start at 30%.”
“Oh, yeah Some Girl, that’s right. I kind of base the y-axis on a gut feeling about what makes for a good looking graph.”

“Some Girl, please note that you seem to have some sort of hidden image behind the graphs that you did last week.”
“Oh hi Bane. That’s not a hidden image. That’s the word PAGE that excel puts on every page in the print view.”
“Oh yeaaaaaah. Great. Can you make sure it won’t print on the page?”
“It won’t. It’s on every page of every spreadsheet ever made in excel.”
“Yeah, can you just make sure?”
“Sure. Fine. Let me print this out and prove to you that the light gray word in the background of every excel spreadsheet won’t show up in the printed version.”

“Some Girl I just want to review the writing of reports from SQL. First you pick the Select, then the from, then the where. Then enter. I mean Run.”
“Okay.”
“So, let’s Select X, From Y, Where Z. Enter. I mean Run.”
Okay.”
“Okay so let’s Select X1, From Y2, Where Z3. Enter. I mean Run.”
“Okay.”
Okay so let’s Select Xa, From Yb, Where Zc. Enter. I mea…”
“I know, Run. I got it. Run, not Enter.”

On top of all this, Bane is about 5’8” and 106 pounds. Awesome. Oh yeah and she has a huge diamond engagement ring and carries a huge LV bag.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The fish seem to be better today

This morning I fed them with the light on and they ate in their normal chumming way. They are very violent eaters; they swim around and dart at the food and churn up the water causing all the food particles to swirl around. It’s like they know how to make it look like they work hard for their food even though they are the laziest fish in the world and we hand feed them daily. Bruce theorized that they hang out underneath the filter because that is the place with the least amount of current and therefore they expend the least amount of energy moving their fins to stay in place.

I feel like they were conning me into feeling bad for them and their unnatural fear of the light. I’ve decided as punishment for their manipulative behavior I am no longer going to prevent Bruce from standing along side the fish tank and screaming “HELLO FISHIES!”

Bruce, for his part, is of no help in maintaining the wild jungle that is the fish tank. He is on his way to another country of the Asian persuasion. Yet again he is flying business class to a land that is far, far away and he will come back with annoying gestures and habits. He also better come back with something of the duty free variety that sparkles in the sun. For my part I am supportive, as ever, with regards to Bruce’s travel as the more he’s away the more I can justify buying the new designer bag I want that costs the equivalent of what I spent on rent last year.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Bruce and I went on a bear hunt.

Carrie Patch got married in the woods. There were bears. Bruce and I did what we could to avoid the bears. Specifically, we stayed out of the woods. Also, I drank. I don’t know if that’s on the list of official ways to avoid bears but seeing as I didn’t see a bear I am going to add that to MY official list of ways to avoid bears.

On the way to the bear hunt I realized that my plan of packing on Wednesday night for a Wednesday night flight was a bad idea. Mostly because when I landed I made note of all the things missing. A list ensues.

Shampoo
Conditioner
Curling Iron (size small)
Jewelry
Earphones
Ipod
Clean jeans
Razor
Soap

All these things were purchased at the local Rite-Aid (except the jeans which I washed in the sink). It turns out that it was a good thing I forgot all these things because the shopping trip gave us a chance to escape the Bates Motel. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention we were staying at the Bates Motel in the middle of the woods.

Suffice it to say, Bruce and I had our share of the scary outdoors for this month.

(As always the wedding was great, the bride beautiful and my eyelashes fake. In my head I live in the Valley of the Dolls.)

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Code Crazy

A patient here would like a refund for his visit. I get a lot of these requests. People do not like to believe that health care costs what it does. They also believe that we are making tons of money off the backs of the insurance companies. That’s so not what’s happening. But I’m not here to tell you about the way of the world, at least not today.

The patient, remember the patient, well he felt he deserved to have the charges on his bill reversed because the doctor he saw was unable to remove the radio transmitter device from his nasal passage. The patient felt that the doctor was getting paid too much for sitting with him for 45 minutes yet was totally unable to resolve the issue.

Luckily for this patient I wasn’t the doctor because there is no way I would have sat with him for 45 minutes discussing the variety of people who are tracking his movements via the radio transponder in his nasal cavity. I would have taken three minutes to call him crazy and then 42 minutes to do a Starbucks run.

And on that note, I have some other things I would like to share.

Quotes that came out of my mouth this past month:

“No you may not cut the back of your hair with nail clippers.”
“Stop trying to make me smell your hair.”
“I will not observe your underwear.”
“I think we broke our fish. They seem to have neurotic fear of the light.”
“Turns out the doctor was right about not jumping on the bed. How’s your head?”
“The hookers in LA have absolutely no work ethic.”
“I thought you just asked me if I thought that was a good dildo.”
“I can’t handle the truth.”