Laughing All The Way

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Bane

My reticence in blogging about work ends now. And not because Amy threatened me with bodily harm and dirty limericks. For the most part work is work. Things happen, I laugh, I go about my business.

But, as I go about my business I have to speak with my coworker, heretofore: Bane. Oh yeah.

“Some Girl, normally when we do this graph we make the y-axis set from 0 to 100%”
“Oh, okay Bane, sure. 100%”

Later that month…

“So Bane I noticed that all the graphs from the last quarter that you said to use as a basis for this quarter all start at 30%.”
“Oh, yeah Some Girl, that’s right. I kind of base the y-axis on a gut feeling about what makes for a good looking graph.”

“Some Girl, please note that you seem to have some sort of hidden image behind the graphs that you did last week.”
“Oh hi Bane. That’s not a hidden image. That’s the word PAGE that excel puts on every page in the print view.”
“Oh yeaaaaaah. Great. Can you make sure it won’t print on the page?”
“It won’t. It’s on every page of every spreadsheet ever made in excel.”
“Yeah, can you just make sure?”
“Sure. Fine. Let me print this out and prove to you that the light gray word in the background of every excel spreadsheet won’t show up in the printed version.”

“Some Girl I just want to review the writing of reports from SQL. First you pick the Select, then the from, then the where. Then enter. I mean Run.”
“Okay.”
“So, let’s Select X, From Y, Where Z. Enter. I mean Run.”
Okay.”
“Okay so let’s Select X1, From Y2, Where Z3. Enter. I mean Run.”
“Okay.”
Okay so let’s Select Xa, From Yb, Where Zc. Enter. I mea…”
“I know, Run. I got it. Run, not Enter.”

On top of all this, Bane is about 5’8” and 106 pounds. Awesome. Oh yeah and she has a huge diamond engagement ring and carries a huge LV bag.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The fish seem to be better today

This morning I fed them with the light on and they ate in their normal chumming way. They are very violent eaters; they swim around and dart at the food and churn up the water causing all the food particles to swirl around. It’s like they know how to make it look like they work hard for their food even though they are the laziest fish in the world and we hand feed them daily. Bruce theorized that they hang out underneath the filter because that is the place with the least amount of current and therefore they expend the least amount of energy moving their fins to stay in place.

I feel like they were conning me into feeling bad for them and their unnatural fear of the light. I’ve decided as punishment for their manipulative behavior I am no longer going to prevent Bruce from standing along side the fish tank and screaming “HELLO FISHIES!”

Bruce, for his part, is of no help in maintaining the wild jungle that is the fish tank. He is on his way to another country of the Asian persuasion. Yet again he is flying business class to a land that is far, far away and he will come back with annoying gestures and habits. He also better come back with something of the duty free variety that sparkles in the sun. For my part I am supportive, as ever, with regards to Bruce’s travel as the more he’s away the more I can justify buying the new designer bag I want that costs the equivalent of what I spent on rent last year.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Bruce and I went on a bear hunt.

Carrie Patch got married in the woods. There were bears. Bruce and I did what we could to avoid the bears. Specifically, we stayed out of the woods. Also, I drank. I don’t know if that’s on the list of official ways to avoid bears but seeing as I didn’t see a bear I am going to add that to MY official list of ways to avoid bears.

On the way to the bear hunt I realized that my plan of packing on Wednesday night for a Wednesday night flight was a bad idea. Mostly because when I landed I made note of all the things missing. A list ensues.

Shampoo
Conditioner
Curling Iron (size small)
Jewelry
Earphones
Ipod
Clean jeans
Razor
Soap

All these things were purchased at the local Rite-Aid (except the jeans which I washed in the sink). It turns out that it was a good thing I forgot all these things because the shopping trip gave us a chance to escape the Bates Motel. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention we were staying at the Bates Motel in the middle of the woods.

Suffice it to say, Bruce and I had our share of the scary outdoors for this month.

(As always the wedding was great, the bride beautiful and my eyelashes fake. In my head I live in the Valley of the Dolls.)

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Code Crazy

A patient here would like a refund for his visit. I get a lot of these requests. People do not like to believe that health care costs what it does. They also believe that we are making tons of money off the backs of the insurance companies. That’s so not what’s happening. But I’m not here to tell you about the way of the world, at least not today.

The patient, remember the patient, well he felt he deserved to have the charges on his bill reversed because the doctor he saw was unable to remove the radio transmitter device from his nasal passage. The patient felt that the doctor was getting paid too much for sitting with him for 45 minutes yet was totally unable to resolve the issue.

Luckily for this patient I wasn’t the doctor because there is no way I would have sat with him for 45 minutes discussing the variety of people who are tracking his movements via the radio transponder in his nasal cavity. I would have taken three minutes to call him crazy and then 42 minutes to do a Starbucks run.

And on that note, I have some other things I would like to share.

Quotes that came out of my mouth this past month:

“No you may not cut the back of your hair with nail clippers.”
“Stop trying to make me smell your hair.”
“I will not observe your underwear.”
“I think we broke our fish. They seem to have neurotic fear of the light.”
“Turns out the doctor was right about not jumping on the bed. How’s your head?”
“The hookers in LA have absolutely no work ethic.”
“I thought you just asked me if I thought that was a good dildo.”
“I can’t handle the truth.”

Thursday, September 27, 2007

We Have A Whiner

Today I was threatened to be sued, not once, but twice.

Someone please tell me why I am working again?

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I’m Very Good At What I Do

I have a phone number. Like if you knew me and I was thinking about talking to you but you were busy, I could leave a message and you would be able to call back and leave a message if I were then busy.

It all seems so easy, but this is the third day of my third week of work and today at 4 PM telecom installed my phone. There is nothing better than calling a doctor and leaving a message and then saying, “but you can’t call me back because I still don’t have a phone number. I’ll just keep trying to call you. Over and over again.” Doctors LOVE it when you stalk them.

I don’t really mind not having a phone to answer. The calls I’ve taken thus far kind of suck. Essentially I work in the complaints department and people just love to complain. They also like to preface every complaint with a brief explanation about how they never complain about anything but the situation is just so egregious that something must be said. People, let me say here and now, if you have gone out of your way to find the number to call and lodge a complaint then you are a complainer. Own that. No really, be proud of who you are. Just don’t try to fool yourself or anyone else, because we are not fooled.

Also we make a note in an official record and we keep it forever. Just so you know, we know ALL about you.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Tocked

Work is going much better than I thought it would, inasmuch as I don’t want to cry at the end of each day.

The turmoil of the previous week was that when I was given the verbal offer I mentioned some days I would need off for some pre-existing commitments. The HR specialist said that the dates were fine. I didn’t think too much about anything until the day I first met with my supervisor and in the course of a conversation alluded to a big vacation I have planned in December. I don’t know what made me say something, I just felt like there should have been more of a recognition than I was given. I asked if she was aware of my plans for the next few months and she looked at me with an entirely blank face. And then she said: “Oh, I’m sorry. We have a strict policy about new employees not taking any personal time off for the first six months of employment.”

Eventually sanity won through and the medical director, to whom both my boss and I answer, gave the thumbs up on my time off through the beginning of next year.

Just as with every job the first weeks are a little slow going. I have times during the day where I stare aimlessly off into space. Luckily I face a wall so if I am careful about how I tilt my head no one can tell that my eyes have glazed over and a little drool has started to collect in the corner of my mouth. I’m sure that in about four months I am going to miss these days of aimless staring.

Monday, September 24, 2007

So noted

Bruce has returned from his travels. He picked up this habit that I recognize as similar to the faux British accent with which I spoke for about six months. Yes, Bruce spent the day saying the three Italian words he learned. He also displayed a penchant for saying: “In Italy we tend to…” and “Us Italians like to…” as well as “The Venetian hookers on the corner like to wear their undergarments as outer garments.”

I was a second away from stabbing him in the eye with a pen, but I have to be patient with dear Bruce. He’s only ever traveled for business so while he’s been places it’s not as if he’s been any place cool. This was his first experience in terms of going to a place that is a tourist destination and this was his first time where he had a day to go and do something touristy.

I think that Bruce is opening to the idea of travel with an eye toward the adventurous now that he’s been on this trip. At least once a day he’s declared that we need to go to Venice on vacation. I don’t think it will happen soon, we have some things planned for the next year that preclude a trip to Venice and now that I am working I have to be mindful of things like earned PTO and the like.

And if Bruce asks you if you would like some Limoncello just roll your eyes. He doesn’t even know what Limoncello is.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Bitter

So Bruce is away for business again. Normally Bruce goes to places that are low on the list of places I would like to visit. This time, however, is different. Bruce is in the European country that one might associate with Vespa, Gucci, and Versace. For the past week he has been eating the food and breathing the air of ancient buildings etc. Today Bruce informed me that his trip may be extended through yet another weekend.

So just to put this all into perspective. Bruce made me start working and then gets sent on an all expense paid trip to Europe for 11 days.  Bruce spent the afternoon moaning to me about how much fun this would be if I were there and how he just wants to come home. The kicker about all this is that something that was told to me before I started work may be incorrect and I may have to quit my job. The job quitting would happen in the upcoming week. Awesome.

I could be somewhere else having an amazing time but instead I’m here alone watching “The Two Coreys”.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Oh God

This past week was the first week of the rest of my life. My new place of employment has a strict no internet policy. I can safely use about 15 minutes a day without too much recourse. Living life without google at my finger tips is a life that’s just not worth living.

I spent the day working out the formula for a series of standard deviations to be put into about 50 excel spread sheets with six categories on each sheet. Seriously, throw some numbers at me and I can hit you with the 3-sigma pretty quickly. I have high hopes for this job. I also have high hopes that I will suddenly become independently wealthy. Too much?

Today I realized that I can now share some of the fun things from my old job. Like the time I had to fire an employee. This crazy mother fucker does the big nasty of healthcare and violates a patient’s confidentiality. I over-hear the whole shebang and report him. This was not exactly our star employee and after many years of write-ups and warnings this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. And speaking of camels, this employee once came in dressed for Halloween as an Arab. Yeah. He wrapped his head in a white cloth with a black band around his head and called himself an Arab. And it seriously took three more years to can his ass. Good times.

Some how I don’t think they dress up for Halloween at my new place of employment. Maybe that’s for the best.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

The One With 600 Thread Count

Bruce and I have achieved a higher level in the apartment. This weekend we bought a new duvet, one that was a little bigger than the one we had. The duvet covers at Macy’s were way too expensive, so we ran through Bed, Bath and Beyond and there was the most perfect duvet cover. I didn’t even know they made duvet covers with a 600 thread count, but tonight I will sleep the sleep of the loved and decadent. If only they had the matching sheets.

Also, we got fish. We refer to them as “he” and “she”. We don’t really know if one is a he and one a she, but based on their coloring we are being misogynistic and racist so we call them he and she. We have been talking about setting up the fish tank for months and we finally got our shit together. Bruce has taken to running over to the tank and shouting: “HEY FISHY!” They love that. We are a bit unsure about where this will go, in a few weeks we will get a school of small and bright fish and maybe a snail or crab. But right now we’ve got some live plants and some fish and nothing has died yet. Oh, that reminds me, I need to send Bruce an email that says: “Fish still alive.”

We leave for Boston this weekend. I have a family thing and when I get back, I start work. Ole!

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Fucking Slobs

I live in something of a high-end community. The rent we pay is four times what I was paying in Boston. This is suppose to be a nice place to live. The operative word is suppose. This weekend someone here dumped a bag of dirty kitty litter in the garbage room. Unfortunately when I say dumped, I mean quite literally all over the floor. There were chunks of cat feces and globules of cat urine sitting in a warm room for three days due to the long weekend.

The garbage room still retains the pungent aroma even though the maintenance man cleaned the room this morning (and let me say that I am pissed that some man had to spend his time picking up someone else’s cat shit).

What really annoys me is that Bruce refuses to allow me to have a pet yet I have to live with slovenly assholes who dump their cat crap in the communal garbage room. I’ve stopped by the front office and mentioned the situation to the property manager and she is going to send out a letter to the occupants regarding the proper use of the garbage room (really, is that so necessary, apparently yes, because quite regularly the garbage chute is backed-up).

I don’t know why I have moved to a pseudo-slum, this is clearly all Bruce’s fault.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Gentlemen, start your engines

I’m getting back into the swing of blogging. I have a couple of points to make.

My first day of work is September 10. I left my last job on October 10 of last year. I have officially been unemployed for 11 months. In theses past months I would like to say that I’ve use my time wisely. I think we all know where this is heading. I don’t regret the lack of action and it’s not as if I didn’t do everything I’ve wanted to, as evidence by the amount of travel from this past year, it’s just that I know there will never be another time in my life where I will be unemployed and have nothing to do. There have been points where I was bored out of my mind, and Bruce bore the brunt of my frustrations. I think that we learned a whole lot about living together and being in a relationship. Surviving this year has been a thing. I’m so a different person and sometimes I miss who I was, but I’m learning to deal with who I am now.

So, the other thing is Akavar. The advertisement is hilarious. They say: “Eat all you want and still lose weight. Eat all you want and still lose weight. We couldn’t say this on TV if it wasn’t true.” Priceless.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Over due, Over kill

Soooooo. Yeah.

Okay, it’s officially time to shrug and say sorry. Now, I will be back to the regularly scheduled program.

The trip to Boston was fun. The event was a “Black, White, and Bling” party in honor of my brother-in-law turning 30. Things were as classy as one would expect, including but not limited to the girl who jumped out of a cake and lost her top. My grandmother took the boob rather well, after all, “it’s nothing she hasn’t seen before” but I don’t think she’s ever before had such a great view of $20,000 breasts. Some drinking occurred, I thought it would be grand to drink vodka, gin and champagne (in that order) and then pass out. Luckily I woke at 7 AM with a hangover the size of Mount Rushmore. I say luckily because that meant that I was almost recovered when I boarded the plane for London.

London was great as always. Lots of drinking with friends, a haircut, a few gifts (thank god for duty free), and a bunch of culture. Really, culture. It’s so boring if I tell you all about it, but I promise, I bettered myself the week I was there.

This past week has been spent getting my background check completed as I will be working in a healthcare setting again and it’s a mandatory part of the pre-employment process. Once that is done, a physical (they test for TB and meningitis) and then I get a start date. Hopefully the date is before the first of the next month so that the health insurance kicks in for October 1, other wise I have to wait till November.

The rest of the stuff, well, Bruce has been his usual Bruceness. Sometimes that is very annoying. Mostly he’s at work. The partnership question will be answered shortly but until then he’s billing 200 hours a month (which works out working 10 hour to 12 hour days).

I anticipate some changes in the next few months, hopefully these changes will produce some kick-ass blog fodder.

That is all.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

And Scene

Okay, I’m back. But I’m leaving for London for a week. So haha.

Well, let’s see, today I received a job offer. I maintained my cool, and was very casual in my acceptance. Who am I kidding, I almost humped the caller’s leg (I know there are technical difficulties with that, but I’m going for the visual).

Yay work. I like money. I like a reason to leave the house daily. And thankfully the workplace is always an endless font of blogging juicy goodness.

I hope no one thought that my blog was dead (Atizz I may have broken your streak as a blog killer).

Okay, bye.