Some Blog

With A Bang

Monday, October 06, 2008

I’m back.

So much has happened.

First there are some blog-cleaning activities that must occur. My email is being overrun by bots sending me ever so helpful information on a variety of narcotics/penile enhancements/opportunities to inherit a fortune from a terminally ill and paralyzed distant relative (no really, it actually said: “it wasn’t so bad after the stroke, but the chemotherapy is quite difficult to take”).

Second the people upstairs are having sex. Slowly.

Third you must know I’ve been cheating on you. I’ve been exchanging emails with someone in the city. I’ve been exhausting all my endlessly funny stories on him. I think I will just go through my emails and paste them in (at least that way you can read all the opportunities I’ve had to make my fortune on the back of someone so close to death).

Fourth I have a wedding this weekend in LA. A retreat next weekend in San Diego. A baby christening the weekend after that. A wedding in Georgia the weekend after that. Then I plan on sleeping for a month.

Fifth Natalie will be mad if end here so I shall soldier on. Natalie also has had the opportunity to soak up my funny goodness. But the things I say to make Nat laugh are not really all that appropriate for this forum. Mostly because I will say something about someone, and then that someone will read it here, and the someone will be like: “Hey bitch! I have feelings.” And then I will be all: “Shut up whore.” This will go on for awhile until one of us passes out from lack of oxygen and we will wake up feeling all awkward or something. And then things will never be the same.

Sixth my apartment is looking pretty supa-fly.

Seventh I don’t know why I am writing out the numbers. It’s annoying me. But I am too lazy to go back and change this. Or add the correct suffix/punctuation.

Eighth my clothes are fitting awfully snug this month. Maybe it’s time to get over the fact that I had some of my toenails removed and get back into the gym. I just looked at some photos from when I first moved out here. I was fit! No really. What the hell happened? Let me answer that rhetorical question: Bruce. Bruce happened. Fucking comfort eating.

Ninth my yearly review went really well last month. I was given the highest possible raise. Yes: 5.3%. Word. Now I have actual projects that I own and people ask me actual questions that I need to be able to actually answer promptly. Whoever set me up in this con needs to be beaten. When I interviewed for this job no one ever said that there would be questions.

Tenth bitches I made it! An even multiple of five. Thank you and good night.

Ode to Billy Joe

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I AM having the time of my life.

What I did on my summer vacation: by Some Girl

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Bruce, the thoughtful bugger, called me yesterday while I was picking up dinner. We had a quick rendezvous at the gas station (so romantic, cost more than a gourmet dinner too, fuckers) and I went to pick up food and he went home. In the ten minutes that I was at the restaurant Bruce called to tell me that I had a message on the answering machine and that the fish were still alive. The fish are living in a condition that no mere mortal fish would survive. Bruce and I returned from Boston from our yearly summer vacation. The fourth of July in Boston is a good time. I managed to see almost everyone that I like to see once a year. Technically I would like to see everyone more often but those bitched won’t come here. Hurry up bitches, come here!

Because here is suddenly more awesome.

Two days before we left for Boston, I moved out of my apartment with Bruce and into my own place in San Francisco. I may have picked the worst time in the world to make a move what with vacation coming, plus I had a certification exam at work that required 8 hours a day of studying for the two weeks leading up to the exam. I may have experienced a minor mental breakdown on my first day of vacation. I then read four books in five days, got a wicked tan, ate some lobster, and did some drinking.

As always, getting back to real life was the sadness; both Bruce and I were shooting looks of longing at the receding Boston shoreline and then bounced right back into life. I now have the pleasure of spending the next two weeks moving the remaining objects up to the city. I am going to address the important things first. For instance, right now the only edible objects in my apartment are containers of powdered iced-tea. Not surprisingly the only thing in my refrigerator is a pitcher of iced-tea. My furniture is getting delivered, very slowly, by freight companies across the bay area. I figure at this rate, I will have a hard surface for writing by 2009.

Work has decided to calm down, very nicely of it, if I do say so myself, and with any luck Bruce will minimize the phone calls about phone calls. Which is probably best because I still haven’t figured out how to work the phone in my apartment.

Wicked

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I keep planning on writing my blog posts at work and then send them to my email to post later. My plan includes going to work, getting a coffee, and sitting down to inform everyone of all the things that make me giggle. And yet work seems to be interfering with my blog posting opportunities. I mean to tell you all about my new coworker who has some sort of neurological disorder. Of course I mean this in the nicest of ways. It’s just that she’s a little off in both the ways she interacts and her social sensibilities. Like, for instance, she told my department about how she found her most recent colonoscopy to be no big deal. After all, “you get undressed, you get some drugs, you wake up, you never even know anyone did anything to you.” Now, if I were in any other place I would have had no choice but to say: “Sounds like an average Friday night,” but because I was at work, all I did was nod knowingly and made a note to see if she was carrying anything good in her purse.

Needless to say having this particular new employee hasn’t diminished the amount of work that I need to do. In fact, I believe my work load has increased since she arrived. I think that this is just a situation that will go on for a while, but Bruce believes that new coworker is going to be fired soon. He has faith in my boss. I don’t know. In healthcare people don’t get fired even when people die.

Besides new coworker I have to contend with a certification exam I am taking in a few weeks. My work day between now and then is consumed with studying like a mad woman. I can’t remember the last test I took that stressed me out this much. my coworkers who have taken different levels of this certification test have all failed at least once, and one particular person failed 5 times. This is not a good sign. I am just going to be heads-down studying these few weeks with the hope of being better than excellent. Of course on top of studying I am moving.

I finally found the place of my dreams in the city. Bruce doesn’t want to move with me so I am going to go on my own. He’s seemingly okay with this. I think he’s looking forward to going back to some of his bachelor ways: not changing the sheets for months on end, leaving his socks on the floor, eating canned food cold. Yes, I believe Bruce will enjoy life without me for some time. I move two days after my test date so that’s awesome. Plenty of time to set up utilities and furniture. Awesome. Oh, and three days after I move I am heading back to Boston for the July 4 week. Double awesome.

Double wicked awesome.

That’s it for now. Check back later for hilarity about my life.

Half-way There

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Because I live in fear that Amy will show up at the resort and demand that post yet again, here I am, posting yet again.

So Bruce and I have this game, mostly I have this game, wherein we give names and attributes to couples who are eating at the same restaurant as we. The first time I played this with Bruce we were at THE best sushi restaurant in the bay area. The couple next to us ate about 5 plates that were built around salmon and cream cheese. I named them Gina and Billy. They were from Iowa and they just moved to California. They were going to show everyone back home that they were living life, I mean, come on, here they were eating SUSHI.

The thing about Gina and Billy is that I totally get it. They were somewhere different and this was their opportunity to finally not be what everyone else had been. Unfortunately for our lovely couple from Iowa, I told Bruce the rest of their story. You see money goes fast in the big city and while Billy has his degree and Gina worked at her father’s store for 8 years, jobs just aren’t that easy to come by. Gina solves the problem by finding a job stripping and Billy lets himself believe her stories about cleaning houses being really profitable here.

Of course this works for a while but one day Gina gets tired of paying all the bills and Billy gets tired of not being the man. Billy figures it if his girl is stripping she’s probably doing other things to make money and it’s the other things that are just killing him every time he looks at her. It was really only a matter of time for the day to come when Gina came home to find Billy’s clothes gone.

Not leaving a note was totally Billy’s style anyway and Gina knew there was only one place in the world that Billy would go. The folks back in Iowa weren’t surprised when Billy came back and worked his daddy’s farm. They weren’t even surprised when Billy came back alone. What surprised everyone was how much being in California changed Billy, I mean all he could talk about was about how much he loved sushi.

Gina and Billy are not so different from so many people. If only they had bothered to try something beyond just the salmon.

I Know, I Know. I Suck.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

I have a huge, and funny, and photo-full (real word what?) post just waiting to be written. It’s all in my head (that’s what the doctor said). Pussywillow was here and a’drinking we went. I played with the gays. Also I defended my gay from the masses. When I no longer suck (and my VERY sore throat goes away) I will write up about the time when Pussywillow came to town.

But for now, I read this in a comment on a forum regarding the Grey’s Anatomy finale: “Even William “Everybody Dies” Shakespeare had a clown or fool or jester in the tragedies. You need some comic relief.”

Word, dude, word.

Also, how badly do I want to have Sandra Oh’s ability to emote.

It’s Only A Day Away

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Tomorrow, I have not one but TWO interviews. Oh yay. No, wait that sounded sarcastic. I meant: “OH YAY!!!!” One is perfect, the other is okay, I’m just happy that I will be talking to paid professionals who will try to get me a job. Oh yes, soon enough I will be looking back at this time in my life with fondness and remembering all the time I had to lie on the floor throughout my day.
One day I will wish I could still be hanging out in my pajamas at noon. But then I will have money again and that will be much better. YAY!

Back By Popular Demand

Friday, March 16, 2007

So Amy wants me to post, mostly because she has an issue with the voices in her head, but also, and this is just a guess, because she’s bored and afraid she’s killed another blog. Fear not Amy, I am just lazy, not dead.

I had some things to say, like:

Bruce and I were at a national sandwich shop chain where I expected to see Jared and things were totally normal. I ordered my sub and wandered down to pick up drinks. Bruce, being the next person in line started his order and then wandered down to the veggie section where he was thinking about the toppings he wanted. The woman who was making the sub looked up and asked the man who was standing behind Bruce what he would like on his sub. This guy apparently didn’t think: “Hey, I didn’t pick this bread or lunch meat why is she asking what else I want on this sub?” He just said, “lettuce, tomatoes, onions…” I hear this an look at Bruce who has yet to twig that something has gone terribly wrong. Bruce, being the smart bunny he is looked at me, looked at the sub girl, and looked at the guy who squatted his sub…and said nothing. I watch this whole thing from the cash register and start laughing. I love that the only explanation for what happened was: “They All Look Alike.” I love subtle racism in action. Sub girl meant no harm, she just can’t tell the difference between two Asian men, who were from different Asian countries. Awesome.

I’ve been having some disturbing dreams. Dreams that I haven’t told Bruce about because they are really disturbing. So that means I can’t tell you all, but just know, I am fucked up.

In my spare time, what with all the not working, I’ve been doing has been taken up with some light gardening. I have some Spring Onions coming up, two types of Lettuce, Sun Flowers, Tulips, Wild Flowers, Prim Roses, Lavender and Irises. They all live in containers because all I have access to is my concrete patio and they all need lots of water in the California sun. These bitches are so needy. Of course there isn’t a water faucet outside so I have to fill a watering can about 9 times to do the watering every day. There are also some birds (they sound like doves but they aren’t white). These birds have taken roost on the light fixture right outside my sliding doors. It’s like the plant watering Olympics here. I fill the can, carefully carry it across the entire apartment to the patio, put it down to open the door, pick it up go out the door, put it down to close the door, pick it up and get to one of the containers without spilling half the water on the patio.

Bruce has been very good about letting me have certain things for the apartment. We’ve done some serious damage at Ikea but I’ve respectfully requested that we endeavor to purchase furniture that we don’t have to assemble ourselves. To that end, I got a desk. It was on ebay. In New Jersey. The shipping cost almost the same as the desk. The desk, is made of real wood, (no particle board or veneer here) and was delivered two days ago. Bruce and I spent some time in the office just looking at the desk. The office is starting to pull together. Bruce is all about aluminum and glass (it’s shiny) and minimalism. I think that my desk is a nice addition considering that stylistically it has nothing to do with shiny or minimal. It’s got these cool faux alligator finishes on the drawer fronts and nickle draw pulls, there is some minor damage that is easily enough fixed with some wood glue and wax finish, and the wood shines up so nicely it makes me feel funny inside. I’m just happy that I didn’t have to put the shit together and yo, real wood is heavy.

The other thing I’ve been doing is painting. Not walls as this is a rental unit and we expect to not be here that long. All of the wall art are things I’ve painted or photos we’ve taken. Thus far, only the bathrooms are finished. The office is probably the next to be finished, we just had to pick up some wall anchors. I am working on the paintings for the bed room and living room right now. The living room is getting a pair of matched paintings/technology collages. I had an old computer that I took apart. I’m going to hot glue the internal pieces of the computer (all the stuff under the key board on your laptop) onto a pair of blue and magenta canvases. If it all works out it should be really cool.

Okay, that should be enough. I’m going to go watch some HGTV.

Virgin Territory

Thursday, March 01, 2007

I just had my first earthquake!

I bring it on myself

Monday, January 15, 2007

The sleep, she is elusive.

Just the other day, I tried to poison Bruce and myself. It all started with a cold snap in California. Not exactly much ado about nothing (as a side note, I love that in Shakespearian English “ado” is a euphemism for virginity. Good ol’ Will was so punny), but not nearly as deadly as the news would have us all believe, the temperature dropped to freezing. Being the flower-pot gardener that I am, I planted my next-year’s blooms in October only to see them bloom in January. There is a new rose bud about to open, the tulips have pushed through, the snow pea tendrils are twining around the African daisies and I have no idea what the other pot is, but it too is growing. Suffice it to say, I was concerned that a freezing temperature would kill off all the new growth. So, after I heard the news, I dragged everything into the living-room and went about my day.

While doing the dishes I killed a gnat. And then there were two in the bedroom, and one in the office. After two days of swatting for our lives, Bruce and I started looking for the culprit: the garbage can was recently bleached, and we rarely use the in-sink disposal, no food on the counter and no dirty dishes in any other room. Suddenly (I think in terms of great suddenness even though rarely things happen suddenly. I was explaining this to Bruce and by way of example I said, “It’s not often that events are sudden. I mean, it’s not like ‘Suddenly, the cat fell down.’” Bruce has taken to mocking me with suddenly.) I recalled the time from this past summer wherein I was the girl with the bugs. I realized how damp the soil in the pots was and knew I must have brought the gnats in with the plants.

Mind you, this is the point in the story where I must confess that Bruce suggested that the plants were the problem and I insisted that the gnats came before the plants and I suppose that when I get to heaven and God gives me the chicken or the egg quiz, I will fail that too, because I was soooo sure that my plants would never infest the house. Ooops. Also, you need to know that the rest of this story takes place approximately 15 seconds before we go to bed.

I remembered that the last time I cleared up the gnats with a little raid and by letting the potting soil dry out to kill off the larvae. And then just to be sure, I got the can out and sprayed the plants. Then I took a big sniff to see what it smelled like. Of Raid. That I sprayed in the living-room. Right before we went to bed. Even though the instructions on the canister clearly indicate that Raid is toxic and you should evacuate the house after spraying.

So Bruce and I end up trapped in the bedroom for the evening, which is fine because that’s where we sleep. But then, and this is a spoiler so anyone who hasn’t watched Gray’s Anatomy and might want to should stop reading now, Bruce snores, like Meredith Gray. And he uses those nose strips. And just like in the show, there is a 5 minute grace period and it’s all back to snore city. There is a throat spray and that doesn’t work either. I spend half my night rolling him over (and I never walk away with any proceeds, not like back in the day when I needed cab fare home and I would roll the guy of the moment for his wallet) and the other half begging him to stop snoring. For the record, Bruce has no recollection of any of these night time interactions. (The funniest is the time where I touched his back to get him to roll over and he threw back the covers and LEAPT out of bed. I then laughed and said, “Well, that’s new.” To which he responded by getting back in bed, clothes-lining me with his arm across my neck and then used him arm as a grapple hook and wrestled me to his chest. After I stopped laughing I realized that I couldn’t really breathe and wormed my way out from under him. But it still is super funny)

And I get that sometimes we all get congested. I myself have woken up to a snort, there was a specific period of my life, which I refer to as Junior year in high-school where I used my Western Civ. class to catch up on missed sleep and was known to jerk awake with a snort. I am not proud. Anyway. I get it, people snore.

Bruce is a whole different level. At a certain point I get tired of trying to sleep, usually about 5 AM and I find my way to the couch. Except a few nights ago, what with all the poisonous spray in there, I really am trapped. I can’t even blame someone else. I was the one who wanted to smell the Raid.

The result is that I have the most awkward sleep schedule. I know that I will have to do something about this once I start working, but for the time being, I get some good sleep between 9 AM and 5 PM. These are basically the hours that Bruce spends at work. I get up in time to sort out dinner and watch some prime time television.

If you’re observant you’ll have noted that I am writing this at 4 AM. I wonder if I took some sleeping pills if I would sleep though the noise?

Grouping has begun

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The card was addressed to Some Girl, but the message was for Some Girl and Bruce. We have officially received our first piece of couple mail. Considering that most of Bruce’s family is blissfully unaware of our sinful cohabitation, I didn’t really expect to get something that was addressed to us both. Of course my friends and family know about our situation, but we’re not really card senders. Plus, I am going back to Boston for the holiday so I will collect the cards as I see people. Oh yeah, I’m leaving for the other coast. With my computer out of commission I don’t expect to be posting or on-line for the time through the new year. So if I don’t speak or write with you between now and then, have a Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Constitution Day in Taiwan, A joyous Wyoming Day (for those of you in Wyoming), a fulfilling Feed yourself Day (Benin, I’m looking at you) and any other holiday that I may have missed, just know I am wishing you well and all the best. See you next year.

Crazy Bastards

Friday, December 15, 2006

The State of California has in its infinite wisdom granted me a driver’s license.

Now I just have to get Bruce to add a secondary driver to his insurance and away I go.

Okay, not really. I think it will take an act of God (normally called a miracle) for Bruce to let me drive his car. So what I’m really waiting for is for him to be sent away on business and then, then I will be able to get lost in Northern California. Seriously, I need to get a GPS device to walk down the street.

Good times.

Style or substance

Sunday, November 19, 2006

My friend date went VERY well. I was very heartened by the results. He and I had lots of common chatting ground and we lost track of time. I had to meet Bruce for dinner so it was more a quick drinks date. Like back in the day when I was dating for another reason, drinks and a two hour window for a first date. Always have a way out and your phone. I suppose trying to date for friendships should follow most of the rules for dating for relationships.

So, unfortunately, there is no funny story, but really, it’s better for me this way.

I believe Baz said it best…

Thursday, October 19, 2006

I did something unusual today. Well, not unusual for me, but unusual for where I now live.

I went for a walk.

Starbucks was calling and we needed veggies for dinner. I figured that walking would be a breeze. Well except for the crazed Californian drivers that are under the impression that pedestrians are just moving targets. I am so comfortable with city drivers where I know that the top speed is limited by the traffic and next red light. I have no idea how to walk where cars are allowed to roam freely and reach speeds above 15 miles per hour.

Surviving the walk was not what I wanted to tell you. What I am here to tell you is that I am almost a redneck. I don’t mean in the figurative cultural way, I mean in the literal, I burned my neck way. I am from the Northeast where October is a season of scarves and gloves, not SPF 15. Heck, even in the summer I don’t use SPF anything. One of the few advantages to being a darkie is that I get to opt out of the SPF.

On my walk I could feel the sun, because it was like 80 degrees, burning my neck. I have the distinct line of my shirt across my neck. Guess I am going to have to take the imortal advice to always wear sunscreen.

I’m the new San Francisco Treat

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

So I’m back. Or rather, I’m here. In the new digs across America. Lots of unpacking to do of course and that is just the stuff I managed to fit into my suitcases for the flight. All the rest is in boxes and are slowly making their way to California.

I’m at a bit of loose ends right now, but I have to get my life together and start looking for jobs. Making an effort seems like an awful lot of effort right now.

Also, there was a post I was working on and I am pretty sure I saved a draft, but now it’s nowhere to be found. One day it will auto-post itself and then I will find it again.

There were some comments on some of my older posts that I will answer, but for now, I am going to go lay down on the floor. I am done with the whole sitting up thing.